As we go into a new year, I reflect on the past few years and the changes that have come into my life. Good, bad--there have been MANY. I graduated college, I turned 30 (and finally admitted it), I started therapy--and truly committed to it, I engaged in a meaningful relationship, I had a baby, I got MARRIED... I used to be very much on my own, just me and Athena, never letting anybody else in, rarely showing any weakness or need to anybody. Certainly not getting involved. :) Too complicated, too messy, and way too risky. Now I'm an oozing bundle of love and cuddles. Oh yeah. I'm all about the love.
With all these things... it might seem to some like I've moved forward. Yet, I can tell you I have moved backwards in so many ways. I have become almost cripplingly afraid of things. I am depressed. I have migraines all the time. Sometimes I am so angry that I want to do unimaginable damage. So sad I want to disappear. My blood pressure is often through the roof. I have nightmares; I have always had the nightmares, but now they are somehow... worse--like they're alive, somehow. With confronting my past, releasing the demons that I held captive for so long, I have let loose a host of fears and paranoias that sometimes seem to hold me hostage. At times I am afraid to leave my house, for fear of what could happen. Crashing my car twice in a year didn't help, and now I'm scared to drive. Anything new that happens compounds my fears or adds new ones. My doctor has me on a regimen of medications, from prozac to clonazipam for depression and anxiety to ambien to help me sleep without nightmares (well, maybe fewer?) and topomax to help control my mood swings. It got so bad for a while that I had to emergency wean Nolyn and start taking Lithium (which was BAD, BAD, BAD for me; not a pleasant experience at all). I see both my doctors--talk therapy and med therapy--every week, making Wednesdays bad days for me, because I hate dealing with all this crap. I can't work, because I panic over the weirdest things, and I freeze up and just can't function. Luckily, I love being home with Nolyn and the dogs, and we manage to make that work for us.
So the question is... when it comes to dealing with abuse in your past, and confronting it head on for really the first time ever.... Do I need to go backwards in order to go forwards? My doctor doesn't think I'm really going backwards. She thinks that after being so closed off and "in control" (which she says I wasn't really, and my behaviors proved that I wasn't, and they were all a cover), that this is really "healthy". How it can be healthy to fall to pieces is beyond me. And how it can be healthy for my family to see this happen is really beyond me. I try to keep them abreast of the situation, and I especially talk to my oldest about what is going on, so that she knows, at least in broad terms, what is happening. I don't want her to be damaged by my own healing process, ya know?
It is time. I know that. But it is so damn debilitating. It is hard not to hate. No, it is impossible to not hate right now. I imagine that will also be part of my healing process, learning to not hate, and learning to ...forgive? For my own sanity. For my own health. For the sake of my family. ...sigh...
One step forward. One baby step forward. Two giant steps backwards.
Here's to a new year, and here's to healing.
With all these things... it might seem to some like I've moved forward. Yet, I can tell you I have moved backwards in so many ways. I have become almost cripplingly afraid of things. I am depressed. I have migraines all the time. Sometimes I am so angry that I want to do unimaginable damage. So sad I want to disappear. My blood pressure is often through the roof. I have nightmares; I have always had the nightmares, but now they are somehow... worse--like they're alive, somehow. With confronting my past, releasing the demons that I held captive for so long, I have let loose a host of fears and paranoias that sometimes seem to hold me hostage. At times I am afraid to leave my house, for fear of what could happen. Crashing my car twice in a year didn't help, and now I'm scared to drive. Anything new that happens compounds my fears or adds new ones. My doctor has me on a regimen of medications, from prozac to clonazipam for depression and anxiety to ambien to help me sleep without nightmares (well, maybe fewer?) and topomax to help control my mood swings. It got so bad for a while that I had to emergency wean Nolyn and start taking Lithium (which was BAD, BAD, BAD for me; not a pleasant experience at all). I see both my doctors--talk therapy and med therapy--every week, making Wednesdays bad days for me, because I hate dealing with all this crap. I can't work, because I panic over the weirdest things, and I freeze up and just can't function. Luckily, I love being home with Nolyn and the dogs, and we manage to make that work for us.
So the question is... when it comes to dealing with abuse in your past, and confronting it head on for really the first time ever.... Do I need to go backwards in order to go forwards? My doctor doesn't think I'm really going backwards. She thinks that after being so closed off and "in control" (which she says I wasn't really, and my behaviors proved that I wasn't, and they were all a cover), that this is really "healthy". How it can be healthy to fall to pieces is beyond me. And how it can be healthy for my family to see this happen is really beyond me. I try to keep them abreast of the situation, and I especially talk to my oldest about what is going on, so that she knows, at least in broad terms, what is happening. I don't want her to be damaged by my own healing process, ya know?
It is time. I know that. But it is so damn debilitating. It is hard not to hate. No, it is impossible to not hate right now. I imagine that will also be part of my healing process, learning to not hate, and learning to ...forgive? For my own sanity. For my own health. For the sake of my family. ...sigh...
One step forward. One baby step forward. Two giant steps backwards.
Here's to a new year, and here's to healing.
Learning to accept what you have lived, is learning you are not perfect. No one is... It is also learning all the things in your life have helped to make you the person you are today. You can take joy in your life and LIVE it, or you can hide. Be honest with yourself and those you love, and it all gets better. Accept the happiness you have today and enjoy it, don't let it escape by not acknowledging it.....
ReplyDeleteThank you, Crystal. Now see, weird as it sounds, and despite all this, I also recognize that I am happier now than I have ever been in my entire life. It may make no sense at all, but it is what it is. I have more to be happier about than I ever have. I am in a safe place to finally start to deal with this stuff, and I think that is why it is hitting so hard now. I am finally LETTING it come out, for real. And it's a lot to let out. Sometimes it buries me. But I have a lot of loving people to help me dig back out.
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